jokes

[asad98 (PS3)]

-- BREAK --

[legolord (PS3)]

A 70 year old man and his very young and very beautiful wife visits the doctor to check up on their newly concieved baby. Doctor takes a quick look and asks the man silently "Don't get me wrong, but are you sure the baby is yours?". The man looks confused, asks "What do you mean?"

Doctor says "Well, let me tell you a little story, suppose you are a hunter, in the jungle you see a big deer right in front of you, you aim, you pull the trigger but you realise that you didn't load your rifle. Nonetheless the deer goes down..."

The man says "Someone else must have shot it"

"Exactly!" says the Doc.

[floydant]

lol, keep 'em coming.

[legolord (PS3)]

A bare and a rabbit walking around in the jungle. Thay find a lamp. When they rub it a genie comes out and says" So you are my new masters, I will grant you three wishes each, go ahead."

"I'll go first" says the bear "Since I'm larger" and adds "Make me the only male bear in the jungle". "Done" says genie, "It's your turn little guy, what's your first wish?". Rabbit says "I want a helmet" with a grin in his face, and genie grants his wish.

Bear was getting excited every passing second, says "Make all the female bears crazy about me", genie grants his wish. Rabbit, now giggling, say "I want a motorcycle", genie gives him a harley.

Bear jumps up and down says "Finally, make my schlong 5 times bigger", and right in front of bears eyes his thing gets larger. Genie turns to rabbit and asks "What's your final wish?". Rabbit, on his bike, adjusting his helmet, laughing says "Make him gay!" and drives like crazy into the sunset...

[legolord (PS3)]

You have to excuse my english, I'm not used to write jokes from my mind.

[legolord (PS3)]

Two black guys standing at the pier taking a leak from the side, one says "d**n the water is cold.", and the other one adds "Yeah, deep too."

[legolord (PS3)]

A black and a white guy are stranded on a desert island, after couple of weeks they lose any hope of being saved. They talk about it and since no one will ever gonna come they decide to do each other. White guy sasys "It was my idea so I want to go first.". He goes thru the stuff they got and finds a box of vaseline. After seeing the puzzled look on black guys face he sasys "Don't worry, this is for your own good man, I don't want to hurt you."

When white guy is finished he sees the black guy going thru the same stuff and when he is back he had a box of vicks in his hand. Now it's the white guys turn to look puzzled and the black guy says "Don't worry, this is for your own good, you will feel refreshed upto your lungs."

[floydant]

A man had lost one of his arms in an accident. One day he felt terribly depressed and decided to commit suicide.

He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.

The one armed man asked, ‘why are you so happy anyway?’

He said, ‘I’m NOT happy …. my a*s itches.

[floydant]

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, Ole demanded.

‘Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.’

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

‘Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?’

She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the money you give me.’

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!’

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?’

She too explains, ‘You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.’

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, ‘Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb…..Tidy yerself up a bit.’

[floydant]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald’s for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “I’d guess that you’re 29?”
“Nope, I am actually 47.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your thingy for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47,”
Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonald’s“.

[floydant]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said ‘Unbutton your shirt.’

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants… you might have gotten disability, too.’

[asad98 (PS3)]

LAWL!

[legolord (PS3)]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance --
particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.....................................................................

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If
that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[MajorNosebleed]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Im really down my wife is lacking .... somthing" the barman answers
"go in the toilet there and there is a rare frog called a Blow Job Frog if you give me $1000 you can use it..." the man looks at the barman as if hes mad "a blow job frog your having me on!" the barman says "ok if its not worth $1000 you can have your money back" so the guy says
"sure why not" and gives him $1000 , goes to the toilet. 10 minutes later he comes out of the toilet with his eyes wide like saucers and says "hmm ill , ill, ill buy your frog" the barman looks at the guy and says "no chance!!" the man pulls out a wod of $50,000 and says
"now will u sell it???" the barman agrees. The man goes back to his house that night and his wife walks into the room and shouts "WHAT IN GODS NAME IS THAT!?!" and points at the Blow Job Frog
so the man replies "dont get mad love but can i ask you three favours?"
"what favours???"
"well you might be a little angry love but here goes .... teach it to cook , pack your bags and f**k off"

[legolord (PS3)]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..........

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........

"You have exactly 1586 sheep".

"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not" answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog".