jokes

[floydant]

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight
attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,and a red
one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his rear adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving
pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your willy is under your pillow."

[floydant]

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........

It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

So, today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a 6 pack of Stella.



............You have no idea how good I feel.

You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

[floydant]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.

"You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic - and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.

"Who let you in here? Did you check the mirror before you left the house? Get away from me, you oaf!"

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

[floydant]

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck
between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."

[floydant]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry
five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[floydant]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[floydant]

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son...



Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I will choose my own bride".

Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case..."



Next Jack approaches Bill Gates...

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."



Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank...

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case....."






This is how business is done.

[floydant]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[floydant]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[floydant]

A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[floydant]

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Self raising, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

[floydant]

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most evil, legal thing I could do to him."

[floydant]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So,
I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

[floydant]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

[floydant]

Sthingys.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a sthingy in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a sthingy in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had sthingys in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the sthingy?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the sthingy was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 sthingys per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my sthingy and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another sthingy next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use
the sthingy."