jokes

[floydant]

Paul was teeing off from the back tees. On his down-swing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Alison, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing he nailed the ball, hit Alison directly in the right temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later Paul received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy . ‘Paul, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?’

’Yes sir,’ Paul replied, ‘that’s correct.’

’Well, Paul, I also found a large bruise on Allison’s right hip. Do you know anything about that?’

’Yes sir,’ Paul said, ‘That would have been my mulligan.’

[asad98 (PS3)]

lmao

[floydant]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave you're a vet."

[floydant]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[floydant]

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[floydant]

Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - d**n good
E - Enormous
F - Fake



What's the definition of a Lesbian??
"Just another d**n woman, trying to do a man's job."



Women are unpredictable:
Before marriage, she expects a man. After marriage, she suspects her man. After his death, she respects the man.



During pregnancy:
The 1st three months, do it the normal style Next three months do it the doggy style And the last three months do it the wolf style? sit outside the hole and howl?





Girl in theatre: "the man next to me is masturbating"
Boyfriend: "ignore him"
GF: "I can't, he's using my hand"





What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog? "
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."





A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent?
The doc asks "how 300%?" She says: "you know about the 100%, and now he has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."



4 miracles of a woman:
1. Getting wet without taking a shower
2. bleeding without getting hurt
3. giving milk without eating grass
4. and making boneless flesh hard





25 useless things in a man:
20 nails 02 nipples that don't milk 02 balls that you cannot play with.
01 c*ck that does not lay egg.



Teacher: "why cows get depressed after milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours then you are left
unsatisfied how would feel?

[floydant]

Recently a routine Police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road!

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station, this Breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[floydant]

Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman
looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she
is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not ! faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!

[floydant]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little
horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall &
smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" !
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at
her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!?"
"No, no, & no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no.I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, & the girl's sister
shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, & in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead & give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it.
But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom"

[asad98 (PS3)]

loool, hand on the intercom..

[floydant]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him
with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the "statue", "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[floydant]

One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed,
told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended
by saying:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."
"Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" the father asked.
"don't know " the little girl said.
The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, he put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day, the grandmother died!
The man thought to himself, 'this is getting a little creepy!'.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
The man practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so he stayed until the end of the day, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said,
"you've never gotten home this late before, what's happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it" he said. "I've just had the worst day of my life!"
"You think you've had a bad day?" the wife exclaimed. "This morning, eric from next door dropped dead on his lawn!"

[floydant]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm,
his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little p*ssed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[floydant]

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and
so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing that bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be.
She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it just come and get me.

I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.



Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[asad98 (PS3)]

LMAOROFLOFOLOGURSH! (I laughed alot). ;D