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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 7:10:45 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Mar 28, 2008 7:10:45 GMT -5
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!". Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him;
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 7:12:16 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Mar 28, 2008 7:12:16 GMT -5
A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:-
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 7:12:57 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Mar 28, 2008 7:12:57 GMT -5
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it takes only 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the a-hole on the head.
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 7:15:03 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Mar 28, 2008 7:15:03 GMT -5
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dimwit.
Some bastard has stolen our tent."
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 7:23:25 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Mar 28, 2008 7:23:25 GMT -5
Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes. These are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas mag.....
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"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
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"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
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Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
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A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow.
The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
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"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard."
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"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
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"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
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"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
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"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
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Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
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"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
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"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
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"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
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"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
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"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
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"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
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"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
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"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".
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"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
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"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".
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"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
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"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him."
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"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
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"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
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"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
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"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
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"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
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"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
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"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
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"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
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"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof
of my car"
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"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth"
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"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
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The following extracts are perfectly genuine - taken from actual letters sent to the DHSS (Social Security).
Although rather crude, they are written in good faith by the senders.
* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
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* Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
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* I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.
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* The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is cleared.
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* The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.
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* Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.
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* Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something about it.
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* Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.
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* Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have been visiting her........
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* In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no results so far.
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* I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing, is dead.
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* Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to hospital to have her overtures out.
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* Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one of which is a mistake as you will see.
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* My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is lethargic to it.
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* Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an immortal life.
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* The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about and I had them humanised.
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* Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord and milkman.
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* You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?
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* Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.
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* In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
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* I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.
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* I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.
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* Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.
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* Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom are hurting dreadfully.
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* I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.
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* I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due to contraceptional circumstances.
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* This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.
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* The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 7:23:56 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Mar 28, 2008 7:23:56 GMT -5
When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football...
When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis...
When Top Management get together, they talk about golf...
Logical Conclusion:
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 7:24:21 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Mar 28, 2008 7:24:21 GMT -5
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press:
no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 7:27:22 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Mar 28, 2008 7:27:22 GMT -5
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Jamaican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Jamaican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Jamaican replied, 'only a little while.'
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Jamaican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
The Jamaican fisherman said, "Me sleep late, fish a likkle, play wid me pickney, mek love wid me wife, tek a stroll ina de village each evening where me drink rum and play domino wid me bredren. Me have a full and busy life, sah."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should
spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the
proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats.
Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats and instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery.
You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Kingston, then LA and eventually New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Jamaican fisherman asked, "But sah, how long will all dis tek?"
The American replied, "15-20 years."
"Den wha' next me a' do, sah?"
The American laughed, smiled, and said "that's the best part. When the
time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, sah? Den wha'?" asked the Jamaican.
This made the American pause... then he humbly replied...
"Then you would retire, move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, make love with your wife, take walks into the village in the evenings where you could drink rum and play dominoes with your friends."
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 7:28:34 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Mar 28, 2008 7:28:34 GMT -5
Due to increasing product liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a thingyhead.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't remember)
Warning : Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 7:32:11 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Mar 28, 2008 7:32:11 GMT -5
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse, which was followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along,
followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife", the man replied. "I'm sorry", said Dave.
"What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Dave then asked who was in the second hearse, the man replied, "My mother-in-law, my dog bit her and she died as well."
Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"
....
....
....
"Get in line," replied the man.
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 7:32:50 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Mar 28, 2008 7:32:50 GMT -5
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of fact, "It looks like sperm." The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like sperm."
The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our building!"
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 13:41:23 GMT -5
Post by asad98 (PS3) on Mar 28, 2008 13:41:23 GMT -5
LOL LOL LMAO, ROFLMAO, that was FUNNY! Thanks, man, youve made my day!
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 18:34:01 GMT -5
Post by badger (PS3) on Mar 28, 2008 18:34:01 GMT -5
Thanks floydant! You da bomb! Hey, check out www.leenks.com for my type of funnies. Pics and vids and stuff (and some xxx, but you don't have to look at those  . |
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jokes
Mar 28, 2008 20:53:11 GMT -5
Post by jagsx9x32x on Mar 28, 2008 20:53:11 GMT -5
if the secrets of the earth one were real images, thats pretty d**n cool
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jokes
Mar 29, 2008 0:03:59 GMT -5
Post by asad98 (PS3) on Mar 29, 2008 0:03:59 GMT -5
Thanks, Leenks is cool!  |
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