jokes

[asad98 (PS3)]

lol man, i love you, thanks

[floydant]

It's ok, i've not read them for ages myself, good to go through them again.
Did you check out Basic instructions comic site?

[floydant]

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.”

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts sthingying in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy lifts his head up and looks the younger man straight in the eyes, and quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

[floydant]

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . . Don’t stop … .



Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.



Think of either a man’s/woman’s name that begins with the last letter in the animals name

Almost there……..





Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.



Take the hand you FIRST counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.

Look at your palm very closely…

…and notice the lines in your hand.



Do the lines take tform of the first letter in the persons name?!





Of course not……

Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack the nuts out of yourself, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!

[asad98 (PS3)]

lol @ the test but it actually worked for me !

[floydant]

admin said:

lol @ the test but it actually worked for me !

TEST JOKE - FAIL

[asad98 (PS3)]

lol, the name i thought of was jerry (my sis is watching tom and jerry next to me), and when i counted the lines there were 5...lmao

[floydant]

[floydant]

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed. The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."

"What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."
So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go back to the woman's apartment to have kinky sex.

When they arrive at her apartment, she tells them she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.

She comes out of the bathroom with a tight,
black, leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap-on , and a 12 inch studded dildo.

Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream and a rolling pin.

Then she notices that the man is putting his coat on, and is walking towards the door.

"What's going on?" she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?"

He turns around with his hand in his pocket and says, "I just shagged
your dog and shat in your handbag, I'm all done"

[floydant]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed" she replied.

"Okay. I want you to strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did as asked. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for quite a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came".

[floydant]

Several women have asked for an explanation of Marketing.
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear up the meanings of terms.

You go to a party and you see an attractive female across the room.
You walk up to her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed."
This is an example of direct marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive female across the room. You give your mate 10 quid to approach the attractive female and comment "Hi, my friend over there (pointing to you) is great in bed."
This is an example of advertising.

You go to a party and you see an attractive female across the room. You give two of your female friends ten quid each to stand within earshot of her and talk about how great you are in bed.
This is an example of PR.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get
his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm
fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive female across the room.
She immediately walks over and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed."
This is an example of branding.

You go to a party and you see an attractive female across the room. You pay a complete stranger 500 quid to go and ask her what she likes in bed, then come back and tell you.
This is an example of qualitative research

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Spam.

[floydant]

A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up.
But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

Then he realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide.
He tells her to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The lady is so excited.
She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

The woman's face goes blank.

He continues - "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.

The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

[floydant]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Besides, think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[floydant]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

[floydant]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. “Yes, I do” she replies. The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. ” Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”

“I remember that, too” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says….”I would have gotten out today.”