jokes

[floydant]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, ......just f**king beautiful!"

[floydant]

Three couples - an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple all had recently moved into a new community and all wanted to join the local church. The three couples met with the pastor of the church and after some pleasant conversation the pastor felt that all three couples were likely candidates for his parish.

"You all seem like lovely people." said the Pastor. "However, we have one special requirement for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed that this was an acceptable probationary measure and decided to return at the end of two weeks. Two weeks pass and again, the three couples meet with the pastor. The pastor approached the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor. Our faith helped us persevere."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor looked to the middle aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. Finally, the pastor approached the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks." The young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for the "Weetabix" on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took her right then and there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We understand," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

[asad98 (PS3)]

loool! thanks, man.

[floydant]

If life really was “like a box of chocolates,” you’d be able to squish in the top someones head to see if you liked them or not.

[dredaboss]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER.........
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's
Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates'.
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.' You don't
suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.' So he sat d own and wrote:
________________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you DID take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you DID NOT take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian
________________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
________________________________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Cause.....they'll catch ya every time!!!!

[floydant]

lol, that's mothers!

[jagsx9x32x]

haha thats what my mom would do!

[asad98 (PS3)]

lol yeah

[floydant]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner. The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken", replies the coroner.

[floydant]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of pregnant dogs who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of pregnant dogs who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house! Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and
hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us
again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the pregnant dog in the kitchen."

[floydant]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"d**ned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[floydant]

The following are actual answers given by contestants on Family Fortunes (Family Feud)

I have put a * by the ones I have personally seen on repeats on cable so I can give them the "floydant seal of authenticity" (my daughter loves it and it's always on when I get home from work)


Name something a blind person might use - A sword *


Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon *


Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell *


Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar *


Name a famous brother and sister - Bonnie & Clyde


Name a dangerous race - The Arabs *


Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse *


Name something that floats in the bath - Water *


Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair


Name something Red - My cardigan


Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers


Name a famous royal - Mail


Name a number you have to memorize - 7 *


Name something you do before going to bed - Sleep *


Name something you put on walls - Roofs


Name something in the garden that's green - Shed


Name something you might be allergic to - Skiing


Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters


Name something a cat does - Goes to the toilet


Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate


Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog


Name a sign of the zodiac - April *


Name something slippery - A conman


Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato


Name a jacket potato topping - Jam *


Name a famous Scotsman - Jock *


Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones *


Name something with a hole in it - Window


Name a non-living object with legs - Plant *


Name a domestic animal - Leopard


Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee *


Name a way of cooking fish - Cod *


Name a job a working dog does - Slave


Name something associated with pigs - The police


Name a kind of ache - Filet-o-fish


[To a contestant who was a SOUP salesman:]
Name a food that can be easily eaten without chewing - Er, chips? *


Name a form of transport you can walk around in - My foot *


Name a method of securing your home - Put the kettle on


Name the last thing you take off before going to bed - Your feet *


Name something that makes you scream - A squirrel


Name something you have with coffee - The Sunday Sport


Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings


Name something you open other than a door - Your bowels

[floydant]

All supposedly genuine signs in "English" in other countries.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.

Hotel notice in Tokyo:
is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Tokyo bar:
special thingytails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Bangkok temple:
it is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

Hotel room notice, chiang-mai, Thailand:
please do not bring solicitors into your room

hotel brochure, Italy:
this hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
the lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
to move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
please leave your values at the front desk.

Hotel, Athens:
visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
the flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Hotel, Japan:
you are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
foreign guests are requested not to pull thingy in tub.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
to stop leak turn thingy to the right.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery:
you are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except thursday.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
for your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
drop your trousers here for the best results.

Outside a dress shop, Paris:
dresses for street walking.

Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
ladies have fits upstairs.

Tailor shop, Rhodes:
order your summers suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the "Soviet weekly":
there will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an east African newspaper:
a new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

Hotel, Vienna:
in case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's black forest:
it is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.

Hotel, Zurich:
because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
teeth extracted by the latest methodists.

From a Russian book on chess:
a lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

A laundry in Rome:
ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

Advert for donkey rides, Thailand:
would you like to ride on your own ass?

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan:
stop. Drive sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
special today - no ice-cream.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
we take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
if this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

thingytail lounge, Norway:
ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:
please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Doctors office, Rome:
specialist in women and other diseases.

Hotel, Acapulco:
the manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
when passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
english well talking here speeching american

[floydant]

TRANSLATING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:


Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

You’re so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TRANSLATING MEN’S ENGLISH:

I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let’s have sex now

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

What’s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!

May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

[floydant]

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help-line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Helpdesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the Word perfect organisation for “Termination without Cause.”

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now we know why they record these conversations)!

“Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the
wall.”

“Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable.”

“Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of
your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s
dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes, -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power failure.”

“A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too f**k**g stupid to own a computer!”