jokes

[floydant]

Two builders, Fred and Bill, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the 'suit'.

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Bill: "No way! He's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the 'suit' is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and several jugs get the better of the builder...

Fred: "Scuse me...no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"

Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession"

Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"

Suit: "I'll try to explain by example....do you have a goldfish at home?"

Fred: "Er...mmm...well yeah, I do as it happens!"

Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"

Fred: "It's in a pond."

Suit: "Well, then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden."

Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden."

Suit: "Well then It's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house."

Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself."

Suit: "Well, given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married."

Fred: "Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife."

Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often."

Fred: "Me? Never!"

Suit: "Well there you are, that's logical science at work!"

Fred: "How's that then?"

Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and about your sex life!"

Fred: "I see. That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"

They both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.

Bill: "I see the suit was in there, did you ask him what he did?

Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"

Fred: "I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?"

Bill: "Nope"

Fred: "Well then, you're a Wanker........"

[floydant]

Blind guy on a barstool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

"The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player," he continues, "The fella to your right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blond. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[floydant]

The Reverend John Fuzz...

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

“Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“Shure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.”

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.”

The bartender nodded. “Well if you’re that far you may as well finish.”

[floydant]

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their married life.

The first one gets married....
On the second day a letter arrives with a single message... simply; "Maxwell Coffeehouse"

Mother became confused and finally noticed in a Maxwell ad, and it read; "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married.
A week later there's a message (secret code again ) that read; "Rothmans"

So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." So Mother gives a wide grin.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.
4 weeks later came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS"

Mother looks into the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read;
(scroll down please.)





























"TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

[floydant]

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play
him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,
looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........



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.... (its a good one!).....
















"I'll be Bach."

[floydant]

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.

Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."

God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

[floydant]

Ah the wisdom of the Irish An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[asad98 (PS3)]

ROFLMAO @ the Wanker joke, AND at the blonde joke (tho Ive heard it before), thanks, mate!

[floydant]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I would like to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[floydant]

"TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move."



"TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to f**k the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were f**king the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe."

[floydant]

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!" Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby... mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet.
So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"
Paul says, "All over your back!"

[floydant]

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6.
But that's right!

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?"

What's the f**king difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!

[floydant]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!
Miss Rogers. 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job".

[floydant]

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[floydant]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Rogers, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "My Dad says... you're-an-eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"