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jokes
Apr 2, 2008 14:06:03 GMT -5
Post by asad98 (PS3) on Apr 2, 2008 14:06:03 GMT -5
LOL @ the last joke esp. .. and all the others too!
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 3:35:37 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 3, 2008 3:35:37 GMT -5
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
True story...we had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked.
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 3:36:46 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 3, 2008 3:36:46 GMT -5
#CASE 1 Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
#CASE 2 At the thingytail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
#CASE 3 Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.
#CASE 4 Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.
#CASE 5 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
#CASE 6 Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
#CASE 7 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."
#CASE 8 A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes
#CASE 9 When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair?
#CASE 10 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
#CASE 11 After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
#CASE 12 A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
#CASE 13 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or his wife is new.
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 3:43:46 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 3, 2008 3:43:46 GMT -5
Australian bricklayer report
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 3:48:19 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 3, 2008 3:48:19 GMT -5
This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the \'IMPORTANT\' note at the end is worth a read too...).
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1.
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name:
Initial:
Last Name
Password:(max. 8 char)
Code Name:
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude:
2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /......./......
4. Serial Number:
...............................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?
(Indicate all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
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[_] Propaganda / misinformation
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[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 3:54:50 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 3, 2008 3:54:50 GMT -5
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 3:55:44 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 3, 2008 3:55:44 GMT -5
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish house. He had a c*ck rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the c*ck rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected c*ck fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a c*ck?"
All the men stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c*ck?"
All the women stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c*ck that doesn't belong to them."
Half the women stood up.
"No no" he said "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen my c*ck?"
All the choir boys stood up.
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 3:56:27 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 3, 2008 3:56:27 GMT -5
Just a wee story about loyalty in marriage...
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the f**k away from me ."
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 3:58:45 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 3, 2008 3:58:45 GMT -5
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.
He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any V@seline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 4:05:30 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 3, 2008 4:05:30 GMT -5
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party, that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ”No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 4:06:59 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 3, 2008 4:06:59 GMT -5
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, ‘Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.’
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, ‘Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?’
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, ‘In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.’
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, ‘Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.’
Again, Bruce instantly replies, ‘Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.’
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. ‘Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?’
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘Well, we’ve been lucky so far.’
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh*t is adorable.
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 4:07:40 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 3, 2008 4:07:40 GMT -5
An elderly Texas cowhand went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill. The pharmacist asked ‘How many?’ The cowboy replied, ‘Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.’ The pharmacist said, ‘That’s too small a dose. That won’t get you through sex.’ The old fellow said, ‘Oh, I’m past e ighty years old, and I don’t even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my new boots.
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 11:49:07 GMT -5
Post by dredaboss on Apr 3, 2008 11:49:07 GMT -5
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a margarita." After 3 or 4 margarita's, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more margaritas.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those pregnant doges sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
Hell yes, women are evil.....
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jokes
Apr 3, 2008 15:09:20 GMT -5
Post by asad98 (PS3) on Apr 3, 2008 15:09:20 GMT -5
the last one..posted before, but it was a man back then wasn't it! lolman and i noticed the vaseline censor bypass...
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jokes
Apr 9, 2008 6:04:52 GMT -5
Post by floydant on Apr 9, 2008 6:04:52 GMT -5
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?
He replied: ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.’
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